with every breath my lungs fill with thick air; white shapeless, warm, nicotine, tar. all the ingredients invade my vascular system and slowly develop cancer, eventually ill start smoking directly through my throat. nevertheless it calms me down. it’s two forty-two in the morning. its still warm out. orange street lamps flicker over the side walks. empty cars parked and motionless dotted around the lot. stop lights signal commands to invisible cars passing on the streets. its silent out, and windy. i think it might be saturday, im not sure. i lay on top of the car hood, cold hard. convex surface, smooth. it sooths me. it keeps me down.

my mind wonders out again, and this time its deep. deep into the concaves of my never ending evolution of concept, thought, execution, and analyze again. my mind then repeats the thoughts. i get caught in a loop… i began to wonder, why?.
i take a breath of my paper straw:
“why do i love those who take me for granted?” “why do we live the way we do?”
…. i take another breath of the nicotine:
“i never meant to hurt anyone….” “i just want to make me happy”
and another:
“why do i care?, i hurt so much…. it hurts so much”
another:
“fuck if i care… its pointless, all i get is pain through all this loving.”
one more time:
“…….fuck this shit im done with everything…..”

i began to notice, how far my mind wonders. i start to forget whats good, i start to worry about what doesnt really matter, i began to question things that is ever changing: love, money, life.
i forget about my blessings and start thinking of the worst that could happen.. i digg back into the past to find problems and shield the truth, the present. i shielded myself. i think of the unimportant.. problems… the worst, death, fear, hurt.

i stare into the stick, its red and gray, impregnated with smoke after each take. blobs of cancer causing substance release from my lungs and out through my nostrils and through my teeth.. it slowly kills me. slowly raping me….,.. but it calms me… it sooths me…. it keeps me blind.